Back when I used to release beat tapes damn near by the month, I used to write these over-complicated back stories as to what inspired me to make these beats and songs. I look back and read those and they're a bit embarrassing lol. However, I bring them up to let you know each song and each word I typed out were cries for help. I've always felt like something was missing. Something that even I couldn't identify. It drove me wild, man. I like to think I've figured it out, but I haven't yet and I'm realizing there's nothing wrong with that. I'm learning to live with the fact that I don't know what the fuck I want regarding almost anything. That could be a positive and negative. But I do know when I find something I adore; whether it be a person, an activity, a hobby, I grasp it and want to further develop it, entangle it, and evolve it within my life. Perhaps that might be a possessive mind frame, but I like to think it isn't. It's passion (Jeez I sound like a pussy). I could very well be wrong. Now when I lose that thing, my life and my emotions get out of whack. I do things out of my character. I search for replacements. I get obsessive to find answers as to why X and Y happened. This time around I lost something that i didn't get to grow and fully embrace. I never got to experience it the way it was meant to be. I have never been through a lose like this. "What if..." has been played back in my head more times than ever and i hate it, but I must currently accept that the what ifs may never be answered and I'm back to the reality of not knowing what the fuck i want regarding anything again, but I'm not OK with it this time.

All the corny and sappy shit aside, I've done what i normally did and turned to making music again. It clouds the what ifs and sometimes grants me clarity regarding some of them. I went out of my comfort zone and did the bare minimum of singing (BE NICE IT WAS MY FIRST TIME SINGING SINCE MY CHURCH DAYS) on this project. I wish i enjoyed writing songs when I'm not an emotional wreck, because I'm pretty good at it.

Now this isn't a cry for help. This is my acceptance of not knowing and possibly never knowing the answer to what if. As stated beore, I'm not OK with it, but I know I must accept it to avoid losing myself and becoming something else. If I look back at this over-complicated description of some beats I made and songs I've written alone in my room, please future Louie, understand that we just don't know whats to come. What we may have then may not be forever and you need to understand and embrace that to fully appreciate your blessing...